As a self-proclaimed overachiever, constructive feedback excites me. Listening intently, my ears perk up when a team member starts to share, ready to take notes in a quest for self-improvement (more on that risk below).
While I value the feedback, I still catch my ego getting bruised. Have you ever felt like constructive feedback burst your confidence bubble? Here are some tips to build a thicker skin as you receive constructive feedback:
- Don’t let the feedback expand beyond its actual size: It’s easy to inflate feedback beyond what the giver is saying (e.g. “try speaking slower when you present” becomes “you are an incoherent mess, you can’t speak the language, and nobody understands you.” in your head…not quite the same :)). We all have insecurities but don’t let the feedback trigger them. Repeat the feedback to the giver so you don’t misinterpret it.
- Feedback is not all about you: Remember that the giver is adding their own personal lens to this world and their feedback, while hopefully useful to you, is from their perspective. A coach I worked with once gave me a good rule of thumb for feedback: 80% is likely information you’re already aware of and is not particularly helpful, 10% is highly tainted and likely entirely unhelpful, 10% is golden information that was not on your radar. The more feedback you invite, the more likely you are to find the gold.
- If it stings, reflect on why: There are times you’ll get feedback that really hits a nerve. Even if it’s delivered really well, it might still punch you in the gut. If you find yourself in this position, spend some time exploring why. Is this an area you have some unresolved questions for yourself? What limiting beliefs might connect to this feedback? If so, it might be worth exploring more, perhaps with a coach or a therapist, to ensure you’re exploring the root issue.
- Remember that our weaknesses are often connected to our strengths: One of my colleagues once reflected that we tend to receive similar constructive feedback over the course of a career. Often our greatest superpowers can become weaknesses if they are not honed or misused (e.g. strong empaths can struggle to hold others accountable…the same way highly effective project managers may be susceptible to micromanaging). Be wary of overcorrecting as a result of constructive feedback, which Michael Buckingham reminds us in Love + Work is not only futile, but risks our wellbeing. Consider asking yourself where your strengths might be showing up in a way that isn’t serving you or others.
Constructive feedback has the power to transform your career, and your life, for the better. Like most worthwhile endeavors, it takes practice and resilience to get to this outcome. I invite you to ask someone for feedback *today*. After your next meeting, email, presentation etc., reach out to your manager / friend / colleague and ask what you did well and what you could do better. Or set up a follow up time with them the next day if they prefer some time to reflect.
The more constructive feedback you receive, the thicker skin you will build.
Happy practice!