If feedback is such a gift, why doesn’t it feel that way?

Welcome to 2023 :). As gifting season comes to an end, I’ve been reflecting on the emotions that come with gifting. As a gift-giver, I often feel anticipation, excitement, and joy when it’s time to share a gift. As a gift-receiver, I always feel gratitude, happiness, and love. The act of receiving a gift that was intended to bring joy tends to be overwhelmingly positive (whatever the gift is!).

As I reflected on the emotions we feel when giving and receiving gifts, I recalled the adage “feedback is a gift”. While I frequently dole out that saying, especially in the workplace, I realized that I don’t often associate feedback with the same emotions as gifting. Gratitude, excitement, and joy are often replaced with panic, self-doubt, and defensiveness. I’ve given and received a lot of feedback in my years. And while I’ve found myself much more comfortable receiving both positive and constructive feedback (especially when it’s delivered effectively), I still notice the “gifting” of feedback elicits far less joy than holiday gifting.

Which is a shame, as feedback imparts clear benefits to both the giver and receiver when gifted with care. So if we can make the experience of gifting feedback joyful, we would be better to ourselves and others. How might we make the gift of feedback as joyful as physical gifts? Below are a few principles to help both givers and recipients bring more joy to feedback gifting.

Gifting principles for the feedback giver:

1. Remember the Magic Rule of 5:1.If you’re a high performer, your natural instinct is to look for areas of improvement in yourself and others. Hence feedback often becomes a tine for “bad news”. However, research shows that in order to perform at our highest level, we need to fill our tanks with confidence-boosting positive feedback at a 5:1 ratio, for every constructive correction. Positive feedback can be as simple as highlighting how a team member delivered their presentation with clarity, how they shared a learning with their colleagues, or hustled to deliver on a key goal ahead of a deadline. Whatever it is, make sure you call out what “great” looks like regularly. This gives you a foundation to share what needs improvement, and builds trust.
2. Follow the Situation, Behavior, Impact model (SBI): Feedback is often more about the giver than the recipient. There’s no such thing as “objective feedback”. You are always adding a tint to the lens of how you see the world. And that’s ok. To ensure your feedback is as helpful as possible, be clear on the context and situation it occurred in (e.g. in x meeting), the behavior you observed (e.g. I noticed you seemed distracted and you didn’t engage on y topic), and the impact it had on you (e.g. this made me feel like you weren’t interested in investing in y topic). How a behavior made you feel is not up for debate and helps the recipient understand the impact of their actions (regardless of their intentions). The SBI model is equally useful for positive feedback and important to ensure the Magic Rule delivers specific praise.
3. Write it down to share later: One of my favorite psychology studies comes from a Stanford PhD student, Elizabeth Newton, in 1990. Participants were grouped into “Tappers” and “Listeners”. Tappers were asked to tap a famous tune (such as Happy Birthday) on a table seated across from a Listener. Before beginning, Tappers were asked to estimate what % of the time the Listener would guess the tune. On average, Tappers predicted Listeners would guess correctly 50% of the time. In reality, Listeners were correct 3% of the time. The study identified that Tappers overestimated Listeners “hearing” the silent song in their heads. The exact same overestimation takes place at work. We’re constantly assuming our hidden thoughts are translating in our communication. Try creating a written version of the feedback (delivered verbally first) so the recipient can read through and refer to later.

Gifting principles for the feedback recipient:

1. Listen and absorb Early in my career when I wasn’t trained in receiving feedback, I would immediately excuse any feedback. Positive or constructive, I would share my qualifiers to what the giver was saying. (“Thanks for the feedback…BUT…”). And it’s the most common behavior I notice when I give feedback to team members today. “But what if I disagree with the feedback?” you may be asking. If it was delivered as SBI, how the giver felt about your behavior is not up for debate. And even if the feedback wasn’t delivered clearly (check out #2 if that’s the case), consider what signal you are sending to the giver. Disputing feedback, whether you disagree with it or not, sends the signal that they made a mistake by sharing. For example, if you receive feedback that you delivered a really strong presentation and immediately start to underplay it because you are uncomfortable with praise, you have shown me that you don’t think you deserve praise in the future. So whether it’s positive or constructive feedback, listen carefully. And show appreciation.
2. Learn through inquiry: The reality is not all feedback will be wrapped up on a perfect bow. So if you receive feedback that isn’t clear, but you don’t want to jump to rebuttal, open-ended questions are your best friend. Questions like “Could you please say more?” or “I’d love to understand what about x behavior made you feel that way. Could you share a bit more detail for me?” can help the giver expand, if they have room for more clarity or specificity.
3. Offer gratitude and return the favor: Giving clear and caring feedback to others is as time-consuming (sometimes more!) than picking out and wrapping a thoughtful gift. Take the requisite time to thank the giver when they invest in feedback to support your growth. While they don’t do it for the thanks, signaling gratitude will build their confidence in gifting feedback as well. And if you are willing, consider reciprocating with your own well-crafted feedback. A relationship built on feedback gift exchange, will only strengthen and enrich each other.

For both the giver and the receiver, curiosity and love will help you wrap meaningful feedback gifts. Physical gifts are wonderful and can inspire so much gratitude, joy, and, excitement. I’m confident that by following a few principles, the gift of feedback will inspire the same emotions for you and others in 2023. Happy gifting!